What little I've learned about love
Is at my pride's expense"
- "What Katie Said" by The Matches.
I really wish I was stronger than I am. I'm really feeling lonely. I mean I've got plenty of friends & everything. I really need a girl. I've gotten 4 hugs from 3 girls in the past 24 hours. That's not enough. I'd rather have 1 hand to hold from 1 girl. Goddam Santa Cruz! Santa Cruz doesn't have the kind of girls I want. Modesto definitely doesn't have the kind of girls I want. Can't one girl just be into me without some sort of complication? Can't things be easy for once? I obviously can't keep myself from falling for every girl I feel the slightest attraction to in my vicinity. Can't I just find a pop punk girl who like to hang out &, if I suddenly win the lottery, play music (bass, guitar or sing). Can't I just hit the jackpot this once? Please? Am I really that unappealing? Honestly.
I like artsy girls, but I feel that I'm not really artsy enough. No tattoos, & I'm not 100% proud of my music. I like it, alright, but I don't feel like others would like it. I mean look at the title of this fucking blog. "It's better safe than sorry when it comes to this. If I don't aim, well, I sure can't miss." That's a bit from "You Make It Hard (Not To Want You)". Everytime I play that song I feel like no one could relate to that. The hopelessness of that statement makes me think that there must be people out there that can. But I feel so distant from them. Maybe I should really head into those support groups on campus. It's probably more healthy than blogging, especially when no one else reads this. Just so you know, if you are reading this, I don't always think like this. This is just how I think at the end of the day. During the day I'm fine. I generally have a good time. I'm not such a downer. Hell most nights I'm not such a downer. But when I find myself alone with this computer & the internet I just start overthinking about everything. Unless, of course, I'm underthinking during the day (chances are that's right). All I know know is that I'm really fucking lonely & want some one to be into me when I'm into them.
But what I was trying to get at with the beginning of that last paragraph is that I feel I have an artistic heart. A romantic one, if you will. But I have no where to channel it. Most of the time I just make pseudo-sarcastic poetic interpretations of stupid things. It's a release for my overthinking. I really don't think I'd be that high maintenance of a boyfriend. I'm just not hot, I guess. Or maybe I'm too nice of a guy, as I've been told. I hate to refer to myself as a nice guy, 'cause I feel like everytime I do I just get more bitter & less nice. Being a bitter asshole has not helped me any more than being a nice guy did... Except maybe with Dami, but dammit did I ever fuck that over. It's fucking bullshit. I haven't felt someone make my heart beat faster with her mere presence in a fucking long time. I want love. It's fucking killing me.
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