"I went to a party last night

What sick things I saw

Makeout sessions, and bicylce messenger

punks and art school dropouts"

- "Bad Scene, Everyone's Fault" by Jawbreaker.

I went to Veronica/Tracy's party last night. I got shitfuckingfaced. It was amazing. I did a good job of keeping my composure at the party. I talked to this girl named Becky (not Amanda's friend) for most of the night. She's 22, so she was initially a little offput by the fact that I'm still 19. Whatever though, I made up for it with awesomeness. By the end of the night she was marking my drinks on my wrist.  So, that meant she had a certain comfort level with me, but she had marked my wrist like 12 times, so I didn't really 100% pick up on it. I really think she was hot, but at the same time I had a slight feeling that she was going out with this dude, Matt, I thought his name was Max the first 2 times he introduced himself. I felt a little bad, but whatever, he's a dude. He can deal with it. Brad was doing a great job at being a wingman. For some reason, towards the end of the night Alex decided it was time for me to go home. I don't know why, but he was cool enough to walk home with me. So that's good. I didn't ask why he wanted me to go home, but I was pretty fucking drunk by that point. But cute girls are very sobering I figured out. I was doing a good job at keeping my composure, when I was hanging out with Becky.

But when I got back home, TOTAL different story. I was fucking sloppy-ass drunk. I woke up this morning not wearing pants...or underwear. I was still wearing my Ramones shirt. Brad told me I was just walking around the house & running into all the walls. & that I threw up all over the bathroom (which I have since cleaned up). But yeah, that was pretty bad, I must admit. I'm definitely holding off on drinking for a while, albeit probably a short while. I woke up drunk. So, you know, that's probably not great.

Still, I'm happy with how last night turned out. I talked to Becky for a long time, almost asked her to dance. I definitely had my coolness switch on. So the party went great, so that's all that matters to me.

"Don't call it a crush! Don't call it a crush! Baby!

You know I love you too much to be crushed like that!"

- "Little Razorblade" by The Pink Spiders.

So Monday Night I was drinking & then I thought, "Hey I should plan out when I'm going to see the Pink Spiders. So I looked up the show & it had started a half hour before. I drank another 2 beers & Brad dropped me off near the Catalyst. During the first 2 bands, I just kinda stood there tapping my toes & scoping out for people I knew or cute girls, I only had luck in latter. I stood near a group of like 5 drunken cute girls. It was kinda intimidating, like a girl's night out, but I kept my cool. Eventually 2 of them stood next to me, one of them being one I had been eying. I was standing in front of the mixing booth. The girl asked me if I minded if she & her friend sat down next to where I was standing. I said, "Not at all." & after a briefly surveying the situation, I said, "Do you mind if I sit next to you?" She obliged. We introduced ourselves. I found out her name was Whitney.

I had never met a Whitney, but her name reminded me of my favorite Ataris song, "San Dimas High School Football Rules". There's a line in there that goes, "Whitney, don't you know that what I say is true? I just want you to know I have a major crush on you". I guess next time I sing it, I'll substitute minor for major, instead of Dami/dammit for Whitney.

Anyway, we talked about where we came from, she said that the show was a pilgrimage for her, since she lives in Campbell, & I replied that Santa Cruz is definitely the mecca of rock n' roll, at least in these parts. When the Pink Spiders took the stage, she told me to join her up at the front, so I did. They went through some songs, we were all bobbing to the music. I felt kind of awkward just standing next to Whitney, I really wanted to ask her to dance, but the songs they were playing were a little too rock n' roll (which I love to listen to, but you gotta tone it down a notch to dance with the ladies). Plus, she was holding an empty water bottle & I couldn't see how that would fit into the dancing stance, or whatever. When they played "Little Razorblade" I decided, "Fuck it, we're dancing now." I snatched the water bottle out of her hand, & put it on the stage. Then I grabbed both of her hands & we started dancing. It was really fun, & I don't think I've done anything that ballsy before. It was definitely a self-esteem boost, 'cause she was into it. & at the end of the song we did the ballerina twirl into the lean. Which was awesome, but I should've gone all out & went in for a kiss. The next song we continued holding hands & grooving to music, but I got the feeling that she was getting more interested in the band at that point (she had paid 13 bucks -- plus gas?) to see the Pink Spiders, not to dance with some dashing young stranger. haha. So I let go of her hand & enjoyed the rest of the show. After the Pink Spiders finished their set, I went to the merch table, congratulated the bassist on a good show & bought a poster & received a free pin. I then meandered around waiting for Matt Friction, the singer/guitarist, to finish talking to some fans so I could get a few words in & ask him to sign my poster. Eventually I did. I asked how Warped Tour went & he said, "Long & hot". haha. I then said, "Ben Young was out there with you guys, right?" He was surprised & said, "You know Ben Young?" & I said, "Well, I'm a Matches fan." (Ben Young is the guitar tech/triangle player for the Matches -- & went on Warped Tour playing bass for the Pink Spiders). He told me this story about how Ben basically nabbed a groupie during Warped Tour & during this current tour with the Matches was "boning her" (Matt emphasized that those were Ben's words) again. & that he found out 'cause their guitarist/keyboardist received a text message (while Ben was in the act). Matt then called Ben "a horrible human being" & after a shared laugh said, "We're all horrible human beings." Well, that's rock n' roll for you.

After talking to Matt I went to say my goodbye's to Whitney & she said "Goodbye, Jose" (remembering my name! -- I thought that was awesome, 'cause I kept forgetting her name & trying to play the Ataris song in my head to jog my memory). I asked her if she came around Santa Cruz often & she said she hadn't been here in like 3 months, so not really. But said, hopefully I'll see you next time. I thought at that point, that asking for her number wasn't worth it. So after receiving a hug (that she initiated! woo hoo!), I headed with more self-confidence than I had felt in a long time.

I'm still crushing on other girls right now, one of my coworkers, Erin, for example. So we'll see how that all plays out. & yeah, I'm really hoping that I get to keep my job after Halloween. I know the assistant manager & the shift supervisor like me well enough, I've just got to make sure I'm cemented in the store manager & owners' good graces. It's looking good though.

"& it wasn't the other men, 'cause there were other women

This just isn't love. It's just the remorse of a loss of a feeling

Even if I stayed, it just wouldn't be the same."

- "Cavalier Eternal" by Against Me!

Brad & I have both had the shittiest day today. I really shouldn't post about his life, so I won't. But the song quote applies more to him than me.

So my bad day started off last night, at midnight. I decided to check out livejournal, & I noticed that Veronica had made a post. Basically it was about how she & Alex have been having sex, but aren't boyfriend & girlfriend. They're friends with benefits, in so many words. Anyway, that made me feel shitty, being the lonely virgin I am. I went to sleep, & I had a really shitty nightmare. But first, here's a preface, I'm seriously considering kicking Amanda & Casey out, 'cause they're really loud & considering our housing situation, we need to be quiet as fuck. So I dreamt that Amanda freaked out with the news & threw a ridiculous tantrum, taking a knife to the carpets. Yeah, needless to say that didn't put me in a good mood this morning. This morning I woke up on time, tired, but on time. I showered, got dressed & made breakfast. My toast burned. I made the decision to wear shorts & a t-shirt. As soon as I got outside I thought it was going to start raining within hours. & I was like, "Fuck. I didn't even bring my sweater."

Classes were okay, I suppose. I almost crashed into some kid on the way from Media Theater to Classroom Unit 2. I felt horrible, but my brakes are shot. I didn't feel it wasn't 100% my fault, not that I felt it was at all his fault. But yeah, that sucked. My handlebars came loose soon after that. So I went to the bike co-op to tighten the brakes and thing that held the handlebars. On my way home from my last class I lost my wallet, which happened to have my Student ID, Driver's License, Social Security Card, and my ATM card. & my spare sim card. Yeah, basically my identity is floating around Santa Cruz. Also on my way home I took too sharp of a turn & fell face first into the passenger side window of a Chevy Tahoe, breaking my sunglasses & cutting up my face. The vehicle was fine though. & yeah, I didn't realize I had lost my wallet until I got back.

Also when I was on campus today, I was refused my fall quarter sticker [which turns out would've been pointless for me to get]. My loans were properly activated apparently, so I have to wait another 2 days until it's cleared up.

Tomorrow's my first day of work at Woodworm. I hope this turns out well, but this gash on my face makes me feel slightly badass, but more sketchy.

Yesterday was a fun day, so maybe it's the universe's way of equaling things out, but that's a fucked up way of doing it.

But yeah, as far as the Veronica/Alex news goes. It doesn't bother me thaaat much. It's just a disappointment 'cause she's pretty much the only girl that's really given me much attention as of late. She was basically my outlet for any sort of affection I could get away with. Compliments, lunch "dates", movies, t.v. shows. All that stuff. Maricela is too depressing to be around. I don't feel like we're on the same level. She seems too debonair, bemused, so does her roommate Stephanie.

I really need some sincerity, I want honesty. I want company. I hate feeling so alone. I mean I hang out with Brad a good amount. & he's definitely good company,  but I really need someone on the same brainwavelength as me, in a positive way. Brad & I have just been distraught together. I want someone to share good times with. I really want a girlfriend, dammit.

"With a fist full of change

& absolutely no sense,

What little I've learned about love

Is at my pride's expense"

- "What Katie Said" by The Matches.

I really wish I was stronger than I am. I'm really feeling lonely. I mean I've got plenty of friends & everything. I really need a girl. I've gotten 4 hugs from 3 girls in the past 24 hours. That's not enough. I'd rather have 1 hand to hold from 1 girl. Goddam Santa Cruz! Santa Cruz doesn't have the kind of girls I want. Modesto definitely doesn't have the kind of girls I want. Can't one girl just be into me without some sort of complication? Can't things be easy for once? I obviously can't keep myself from falling for every girl I feel the slightest attraction to in my vicinity. Can't I just find a pop punk girl who like to hang out &, if I suddenly win the lottery, play music (bass, guitar or sing). Can't I just hit the jackpot this once? Please? Am I really that unappealing? Honestly.

I like artsy girls, but I feel that I'm not really artsy enough. No tattoos, & I'm not 100% proud of my music. I like it, alright, but I don't feel like others would like it. I mean look at the title of this fucking blog. "It's better safe than sorry when it comes to this. If I don't aim, well, I sure can't miss." That's a bit from "You Make It Hard (Not To Want You)". Everytime I play that song I feel like no one could relate to that. The hopelessness of that statement makes me think that there must be people out there that can. But I feel so distant from them. Maybe I should really head into those support groups on campus. It's probably more healthy than blogging, especially when no one else reads this. Just so you know, if you are reading this, I don't always think like this. This is just how I think at the end of the day. During the day I'm fine. I generally have a good time. I'm not such a downer. Hell most nights I'm not such a downer. But when I find myself alone with this computer & the internet I just start overthinking about everything. Unless, of course, I'm underthinking during the day (chances are that's right). All I know know is that I'm really fucking lonely & want some one to be into me when I'm into them.

But what I was trying to get at with the beginning of that last paragraph is that I feel I have an artistic heart. A romantic one, if you will. But I have no where to channel it. Most of the time I just make pseudo-sarcastic poetic interpretations of stupid things. It's a release for my overthinking. I really don't think I'd be that high maintenance of a boyfriend. I'm just not hot, I guess. Or maybe I'm too nice of a guy, as I've been told. I hate to refer to myself as a nice guy, 'cause I feel like everytime I do I just get more bitter & less nice. Being a bitter asshole has not helped me any more than being a nice guy did... Except maybe with Dami, but dammit did I ever fuck that over. It's fucking bullshit. I haven't felt someone make my heart beat faster with her mere presence in a fucking long time. I want love. It's fucking killing me.

"27 months ago, ah, everybody know, that you would be forever in my mind

But it's getting hard to tell, the magic in your spell, & I don't wanna be just another guy"

- "Camel" by The Leftovers.

So this at this point, I'm definitely feeling like this blog is invisible & I'm the only one that can read it. So here goes some innermost thought. I've kinda always seen Veronica as a non-sexual girlfriend. If that makes sense. Like someone I could talk to & do couple-esque things with, like get lunch & stuff like that. But it's not like we make-out or hold hands or anything like that. But at the same time I'm sure we give people the vibe that we might be a couple. Which sucks. I don't want to sabotage my love life by having a not-girlfriend. I like hanging out with Veronica, but I need some kind of real relationship soon, or I'm gonna go crazy. I don't feel comfortable asking her out for a couple reasons. One, I doubt we could really be a viable couple. Two, I asked her out before & it got awkward for a few months (at least on my end). Three, I don't have much money & I can't afford to do all the things she likes to do (like eat out often, etc. etc.). Four, she's got all these crushes, well mostly one or two I guess. But still, I'm not a very confident guy. I think I have a decent personality, but I'm a big guy, & I don't feel like I can compete well with all the "lanky fucks" as Grath of the Steinways describes 'em in "Carrie Goldberg". I'm well aware that being a nice guy / hopeless romantic doesn't guarantee you any luck with women at all. I hope that once I start a band I can start playing shows & maybe get a girlfriend via playing shows... But who knows what'll happen. I'm ready for school to start. Or to start playing fucking shows (or at least practicing).

"Hello Pretty Lady

Goodbye"

- "Revolving Door Romance" by Short Attention.

Apparently Becky got back with her ex-boyfriend of 2 years. So I guess that ends that. Oh well.

P.S. Those were all the lyrics to that song.

"I know it's much too sudden & crazy

But these are things I could never find the way to say

If you'd be my girl

It would be so cool."

- "Things I Could Never Find A Way To Say" by The Ergs!

So apparently I have a foot in the door or something with Becky. Which is great/amazing to hear. I've been in a dry spell for so long & I've been trying so hard to act not that interested. Apparently she was drooling over me at some point during karaoke.

I kinda flirted a bit with Brad's friend Paige. I felt it was a bad idea if I wanted to go anywhere with Becky, but it was too easy. So I kinda backed off a bit after I talked to Amanda & after she informed me that there was a pretty good chance for me to get with Becky. She basically said that Paige was one-night-stand & that Becky would be a girlfriend. So I'm definitely leaning towards a girlfriend. We'll se how this all ends up. This seems promising... knock on wood.